I came into this
I had only recently ceased believing in any deity, kharma, or “stuff happens for a reason”. I believe in time and the law of averages, cause and effect, bad timing and sometimes, just dumb luck. I “came out” finally, after years of struggling, as an atheist, just months before my diagnosis. Well played, universe, well played.
So when 37 years of self-destructive behavior: cigarette smoking, partying hard through the 70’s and most of the 80’s finally caught up with me at age 51, I was not the least bit surprised.
It’s been a terrifying, humiliating, diabolical treatment, but, my fear was never about the possibility of dying, my fear was about the possibility of dying and having only lived a half-life; nothing to show for my years, no great passion or accomplishment, only a life limping along like a three legged dog.
But you all treated me with great dignity and humanity even though I felt as if you were all trying to turn me into a cyborg.
I also don’t believe that “what doesn’t break you makes you stronger”. Sometimes what doesn’t break you leaves you a sobbing mess. But I never heard platitudes from you, only honesty and compassion. The single time I wasn’t told the “whole” truth – and health care professionals would never suggest this – I never heard: “You can choose not to be treated.” ‘Cause personally my decision to get care was based on one solitary truth. I had a window of time to start treatment and after that window closed, I would have no choice. So I rolled the dice. And you cured me.
Thank you all for your professionalism, understanding and patience. If I was ever non-compliant-- it was because of the pre-existing and then compounded by the disease-- depression, getting in the way, and not that I dis-believed any care instructions or suggestions. Some days it was just easier to throw back the Vicodin and curl up in a ball.
But you cured me. I hope that I can move forward and amid the grandeur and stupidity of our world, I hope I can find happy. Because every single one of you said it’s out there.
*%$#@!+}! Optimists.
