Not another New Year's Resolution Post

Dear Doctor:

I read with interest your worksheet on “Foods to Avoid” and “Foods to Use” that your staff kindly sent to help me lower my cholesterol. I have a few comments and questions:

First of all I have to tell you that I am half Ruthenian/Lemko --it's kinda  like Ukrainian, kinda not really Polish -- anyway, you get the idea. Without a weekly infusion of pierogi, kielbasa and sour cream, my DNA will break down.  I put gypsy curse on person who wrote list. 

I am also half Irish, and if I tell me sainted grandmother that I am not allowed to drink Guinness or eat corned beef and hash, she will take her shillelagh and haul me into St. Aloysius’ on my knees to pray for my sanity.

How can it be okay to eat olive oil but not eat olives?  This must be a typo.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Life without butter would be a mistake.

“Avoid marbled beef.”  Ha ha. 

If I do not drink 27 cups of coffee with half and half and two teaspoons of sugar every day I will fall asleep at my desk and get fired.

“Dried peas or beans may be used as a bread substitute.”  Have you tried making a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato, hot peppers, pork roll and egg on dried peas?

“Buy a good low fat cookbook.” So, I can eat that because it’s low-fat?

The nice people at the Entenmanns’ Bakery are counting on me to keep their jobs.

The worksheet keeps referring to fried foods.  Is there another kind?

Eating ice cream keeps the evil aliens from landing in my backyard.  It must be true because I eat ice cream all the time and I have never seen an alien.  In the interest of global safety, I must continue to eat ice cream. 

Grandma Annie’s Kettle Cooked Potato Chips are non-negotiable.

Also, if you see a doughnut and you do not eat it, it hurts its feelings.

Dark Chocolate Raisinettes are fruit.

Melba toast is the spawn of the devil.  It says so right in the Old Testament.

The slice of lime in a Gin and Tonic counts as a citrus serving, right?

“Avoid coconuts.”  Does this mean I cannot wear my Polynesian Halloween costume this year?

“Limit eggs to 4 a week, including those used in cooking” That is just mean.  I think you might be a little nicer to a patient whom you have been treating for over 35 years.

I am trying, really, but it seems that the only things I can safely eat are steamed jellyfish on Communion wafers with mustard. 

(feel free to re-post, but gimme credit @ http://artificialparakeet.blogspot.com/)